It can be one of the most challenging phases of the parenting journey – the time when a toddler learns to use the word ‘no’. And use it they certainly will! Suddenly opposition becomes an all too frequent part of daily life and it can be hard not to feel frustrated at times.
Understanding the reasons behind this behaviour can help, because what can seem like defiance is actually a reflection of a developmental milestone. By the age of two a child has realised that they are a person in their own right and a separate entity to Mummy and Daddy. This stage – referred to as Autonomy vs Independence – is a basic need and is crucial to their social and emotional development. Unfortunately for the toddler, their vocabulary has not quite kept pace with this understanding. This means they cannot not express their need as clearly as they would like. Therefore the word ‘no’ takes on a new importance for them in asserting their independence.
With this in mind, here are five ways to help your toddler – and yourself! – to survive the ‘no’ phase
- Present requests in an enticing way
When speaking to your toddler, try to present requests in a positive way rather than as an order. For instance you could say ‘Now let’s go have some fun in the bath’ or ‘Lucky you, it’s time for cosy bed!’ By doing this you influence the toddlers perception of the situation and they are less likely to put up resistance. Using humour always helps too, so try to make a joke out of a refusal such as attempting to put the clothing on ‘Teddy’ instead.
- Don’t pose questions that invite a direct ‘no’
Try to phrase questions in such a way that they don’t instantly invite a ‘no’. So instead of asking ‘Will you please tidy your room?’ try explaining what you want to happen. ‘Now when you tidy up we will have our snack’. In this way you are also suggesting the consequences of their actions – i.e. that a delay in tidying up will result in a delayed snack. Another trick is to phrase all questions as a choice – ‘Would you like to put on your pjs before or after we read our story?’ This way the child feels as though they are in control of the situation.
- Give them a ‘heads up’
Children can react negatively to sudden transitions, so it helps to prepare them for what’s about to come. By informing a toddler ‘We will be leaving the playground in five minutes’, you give them a chance to process this information and can reduce the chances of a sudden meltdown. Some parents even use a timer for this purpose – by setting a countdown of three minutes on their phone, a child can visually see and hear when the time is up. Sometimes simply blaming the object (in this case the phone) can promote acceptance.
- Don’t react straight away
When a toddler gives the dreaded ‘no’ reply, try not to react straight away. Instead count to twenty in your head and give them a little time to think about the request. Often by the time you have finished, they will have reconsidered. If not then calmly repeat the request and ask them why they are refusing. It may just be that they want to finish something they are doing. This also helps you to keep your cool and decide on the best way to approach the issue.
- Enforce the limit: If none of these approaches work, and your child is still digging in their heels, then you need to take control. However it’s important to do this calmly – while at the same time firmly –and that your tone reflects this. That means taking action (such as placing your child in their car seat) while explaining the need for this action ‘We have to make sure you are safe in the car’. You can then try to soothe the child or distract them by talking about something else. ‘I wonder what lovely things Granny will have for our lunch!’ Pay as little attention as possible to the tantrum and ignore any behaviours unless physically inappropriate. Once the child sees their behaviours are not having the desired effect, they will gradually calm down.
We hope that these tips will be helpful to parents. If you have any of your own tips for dealing with the ‘no’ phase then head over to our Facebook page & leave us a comment!
